


Love is Snakes and Ladders

by KannaOphelia



Series: 31 First Kisses: Good Omens [7]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 31 Days of Ineffables Advent Calendar Challenge 2019 (Good Omens), Aziraphale is So Done (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley First Kiss (Good Omens), Chinese Mythology & Folklore, Crowley's Name is Crawly | Crawley (Good Omens), Crowley.exe has stopped working, Fluff, Historical References, M/M, POV Aziraphale (Good Omens), Possessive Crowley (Good Omens), Pre-Arrangement (Good Omens), Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Soft Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KannaOphelia/pseuds/KannaOphelia
Summary: "I am the lassst guardian, the terror of the sssssea. You will never reach Mount Penglai. Turn back, humans, or meet your fate.""Crawley.You're making a scene."* * *An angel and a demon find themselves assigned to the same mission, from opposite ends. Arrangements are made.And kissing happens.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: 31 First Kisses: Good Omens [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559824
Comments: 58
Kudos: 529
Collections: An Angel and a Demon Walked into a Bookshop: Ineffable Husbands Stories





	Love is Snakes and Ladders

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Chris, my Good Omens daughter. I hope you realise just how much you mean to me, and how blessed I am to have met you. Love you.
> 
> 31 Days of Ineffables prompt: Gold and Silver

**210 BCE**

“A sea monster?”

Captain Pan sighed. “It’s a giant bloody snake. Can’t go around it. It just moves with us, and blocks us off. Perhaps we should return to Emperor Qin Shi Huang for archers.”

“A snake,” said the alchemist with the moonlight hair, thoughtfully. “May I ask which colour it is?”

“What does it matter? It’s a giant bloody serpent as big as three ships and it has fangs the size of a man, dripping venom, and it’s _in our way_.”

The pale-haired alchemist was soft, everyone knew that. Not like Xu Fu, the actual alchemist and leader of the expedition. The foreign alchemist had a gentle, precise voice and spoiled, white hands and tender eyes like a pond on an overcast day, a face as unbearded as a woman’s, a smile as innocent as a child’s.

Only sometimes, those same eyes were as hard as jade.

Captain Pan looked into those hard eyes, and gulped. “It’s black. And red. With yellow eyes.”

“I see.” The alchemist nodded as if something had been confirmed. “I would like to speak with the serpent. Alone, if possible.”

Mad, the Captain thought, mad, and wondered what would get him into more trouble, defying him, or having to tell Xu Fu his idiot friend had been eaten by a sea monster. Xu Fu was adamant that this man alone could lead them Mount Penglai to fetch the elixir of life for Emperor.

Captain Pan, who was a practical man and had seen a lot of the world, had his doubts about the existence of cities of gold and silver with jewels hanging from trees and elixirs of life. On the other hand, there was an unfeasibly gigantic snake in the sea right ahead of them, so he supposed anything was possible. And the mad silver-haired alchemist was sailing out in a tiny boat to _talk_ to it.

* * *

Aziraphale stared up at the snake as it reared out of the ocean. It was, as Captain Pan had told him, three ships tall at least.

“I should have known you would be involved in this. Whatever are you thinking of?”

Venom dripped from the serpent’s fangs as it hissed at him.

“You can stop that right now. I’m not impressed, Crawley.”

The serpent reared up and struck the water, drenching him with seawater. A cry of fear went up from the youths on the ships.

“That was completely uncalled for. I expect an apology.” Aziraphale waved his hand, and his immaculate silk robes dried.

“I don’t apologise. I am the lassst guardian, the terror of the sssssea. You will never reach Mount Penglai. Turn back, humans, or meet your fate.”

“ _Crawley._ You’re making a scene. Now come down here and stop trying to talk around those ridiculous teeth.”

Aziraphale extended an arm up to the giant snake. There was a moment when it waved back and forth, as if prepared to strike again.

“Don’t you _dare_ even think about it.”

The head shot down towards Aziraphale’s outstretched hand. When it reached it, the serpent shimmered and shrank until it was a merely six foot snake snake, winding around his arm.

Aziraphale sat on the deck, moving out of sight of the waiting fleet, so no one saw the snake pool its tail onto his lap and shimmer again, becoming a lanky man-shaped creature perched on his lap, arms loosely linked around the angel’s neck.

“Hullo, Aziraphale. Can’t you at least pretend to be intimidated, just for the sake of my dignity?”

“I have never been afraid of you, Crawley.”

“Well, you could pretend, at least a bit. Not my fault, Samael was supposed to be riding me. Five hundred year’s journey tall, studded with eyes from head to foot, both of us spitting venom. The whole fleet would have turned tail and fled. But oh, no, he had a special date with Lilith, I had to do it alone. Being a big scary fuck off monster was never my scene, you know that.”

“You were quite impressive, really.”

“Hnh,” said Crawley, turning red. “Anyway, wasn’t expecting to see you around these parts. How have you been?”

“I _was_ doing just fine until a great sea monster turned up in the fleet’s path.”

Crawley flashed his dimples at him.

Aziraphale couldn’t help noticing that their faces were very close, and resisted the urge to blush and look away. Of course, they _had_ run across each other in times and places in which men sat on and across each other’s laps casually while talking, and Crawley had always seemed more than willing to slither onto Aziraphale’s broad lap at the slightest excuse. That was _not_ true of China, and Crawley had no excuse at all for staying on his lap.

Besides, Aziraphale was cross, he reminded himself.

“Are you here purely to get in my way?” he asked. “It’s very inconsiderate of you.”

Crowley pouted. For someone with such sharp features he was terribly good at pouting, drawing his long lips out until he was one big pout. “Didn’t know you were coming, honest. I was just told a fleet with three thousand virgins of both sexes was coming to seek Mount Penglai, and I was to cause trouble.”

“Well, you certainly managed that.” Aziraphale huffily lifted his chin.

Crawley’s pout deepened, although it hardly seemed possible, and his huge gold eyes widened even more. “Come on, angel, aren’t you even a little glad to see me? It’s been eleven years.”

Aziraphale softened a little. “Of course I am, dear. Always a pleasure. But this is an important assignment.”

Crawley lifted an eyebrow, still right up in Aziraphale’s personal space. “Odd thing for you to be assigned to. Your lot are usually right against seeking immortality and gold and silver.”

Aziraphale knew, absolutely knew, he should not discuss this with anyone at all, let alone the Enemy. Assignments from Heaven were sacred by definition.

The problem was that it was lonely, being an agent of Heaven. Sometimes, it would be really nice to discuss things with someone who would understand what it was like to get strange and inconvenient orders from on high.

This demon pouting on his lap understood better than anyone else. It was, well, tempting to confide in him.

Aziraphale sighed the sigh of inevitable defeat, and settled back into a more comfortable position. Crawley adjusted too, sliding slightly off his lap so that his legs were draped across Aziraphale’s thighs and Crawley was pressed against his side, arms still around his neck, cheek leaning on the angel’s head. If Heaven happened to look, it would be hard to explain.

“Comfy?” Aziraphale asked in what was intended to be a sarcastic tone. He had the horrified sense it sounded tender instead. Especially as one of his arms had, apparently without his conscious will, curled around the demon’s back. He felt good to embrace, thin and muscular, stronger than any human despite his slenderness.

“Yesss.” Crawley’s heart beat was faster than Aziraphale’s and his cheeks were bright red. “Tell me about why you’re helping the Chinese Emperor. Doesn’t sound like your kind of person, really. All that burying of scholars alive. And burning of books.” His voice was teasing but Aziraphale felt like he could hear or imagine real sympathy in it.

“Oh, he’s a dreadful man, true. Xu Fu's been sent by him to find the elixir of life. No such thing, of course. But I’m supposed to help them find Japan instead, at least according to Gabriel.”

“And I’m clearly supposed to thwart you. One of us is going to be wasting all this effort, unless we can come to some kind of arrangement.”

“I’m afraid so.”

They sat for a while, thinking together. _Cuddling together_ , complained the sensible part of Aziraphale’s mind, which knew there was absolutely no excuse for having his arm around his adversary, even if it was sensible to find a mutually acceptable way through this dilemma instead of smiting each other and causing all that paperwork. Even if it had been a very long time since Aziraphale had held anyone, and even if Crawley fit into his side as if he’d been created to tuck in there.

The Chinese Imperial Court was fascinating–well, less so since Emperor Qin Shi Huang had purged it of any philosophical difference–but no one could call it an affectionate environment. Aziraphale was a creature of love, after all, and he missed touch. He pulled Crawley even closer, and the demon gave a hiss that sounded like contentment, not warning.

“What if I let you through but messed up some vital part of the mission? Like, do they have to be virgins? I’m a fast worker, but seducing three thousand of them might take a while.”

“Crawley.”

“Unless you helped. You’re pretty cute. I know I couldn’t resist you if you started batting those eyelashes.”

“ _Crawley_.”

“Some of them might just need pointing at each other and encouragement.”

“Crawley, no.”

“Oh, all right then.” Crawley sighed theatrically. “Look, what about I let you through, but we don’t let them send word home to China of any success? Partial victory against great odds for both of us.”

Aziraphale thought it over. “I never liked that unpleasant book burning man anyway. I don’t mind the thought of him waiting indefinitely to find out if he’s going to live forever,” he said, a trifle maliciously.

“That’s my angel.”

They sat there a moment longer, while Aziraphale reflected that he really did not even have the smallest sliver of an excuse now for not pushing the demon off his lap and sending him away.

“Aziraphale?”

“Hmm?”

“I was just teasing when I suggested we seduce the virgins.”

Aziraphale sighed. He knew the remark about his eyelashes had just been teasing. He certainly didn’t regret that fact. “I know.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to bear it.”

That startled Aziraphale. “Why not?” He turned and met great fiery eyes with blown pupils and golden irises expanding to hide the whites, and all the gold of Mount Penglai could not have shone more blindingly. Aziraphale shut his eyes against it.

“Jealoussss.” It came out as an inhuman hiss. “ _My_ angel.”

There were lips against his, not the cool courtesy kiss they had sometimes exchanged in public but seeking, possessive lips, pressing close, parting his own–or was he parting them himself? Aziraphale couldn’t be sure.

He was only sure that his head was being pulled close, a tongue silkier and more delicate than any human one could be was touching his own, and instead of pushing the demon away he was clutching him closer.

Crawley pulled away at last.

“Crawley?”

Crawley gave him a long, blank look, his face frozen. Then he shimmered.

“Crawley!”

“Ssssorry.”

Aziraphale grabbed for his tail as he slithered off his lap. “Get back here, you stupid snake!”

It was too late. There was a splash as Crawley disappeared off the side of the boat.

Aziraphale buried his head in his hands for a long moment.

Right. He had a job to do. And he could talk to the demon later. Or not.

Aziraphale had a suspicion that Crawley would sashay back into his life as if they had never kissed, as if Crawley had never declared Aziraphale to be _his_ angel in that possessive hiss, and Aziraphale would let him, because what else could he do? They were enemies.

Dear enemies, but that was all they could be.

Aziraphale sighed and prepared to return to the fleet. He had a job to do. They both did. All part of the Plan.

He hoped it was part of the Plan that his euros was now divided into before and after having an annoying, beautiful snake with searching lips and golden eyes in his arms, because he really couldn’t bear it if not.

He addressed the sea, just in case Crawley could hear.

“Fare thee well and may we meet again soon, _my_ demon.”

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Qin Shi Huang was the first true Emperor of China, he of the Terracotta warriors. He is also famous both for his search for eternal life, and for slaughtering scholars and burning books.
> 
> In 250 BCE he sent an expedition to find the legendary Mount Peiyang, led by the alchemist Xu Fu. The first time, they were reputedly stopped by a giant sea monster. The second, he and his entourage of thousands of virgin men and women never returned, but according to legend they brought Chinese arts and knowledge to Japan.
> 
> 2) I am so behind. I didn't take into account real life crises and illness. Still, I am going to fill every prompt, I hope, even if it spills into January.
> 
> 3) Title from Joni Mitchell's song _Snakes and Ladders_ , which coincidentally calls the beloved an angel.


End file.
